Awakenings
It was a fine beautiful morning. Rua couldn't help but smile as she prepared breakfast for the family. For the whole family. How long had it been? She had only just returned to Tamarus when the circle flared to life and there they were. Amongst the children of her neighbours and friends were those four red heads that were the heart of her universe. Ruairí was the first to run to her. Next they were all there - Lugh too - and they were going home. Everything was perfect and when the children finally succumbed to exhaustion, her belief that their return would be the solution to other problems too was affirmed.
Light bare footsteps padded into the kitchen and she looked down to see her youngest son rubbing the sleep from his eyes like he was afraid to look in case the dream would go away. He found the courage and lowered his hands. His smile lit her heart like nothing else could and when he ran she caught him in a hug and picked him up.
"Good morning baby. Did you sleep well?"
He nodded and rested his head on her shoulder. She kissed him and tried to put him sitting on a chair but was met with a whimper and a tightened grip around her neck.
"Honey I have to finish breakfast-"
"I'll do it, Mammy." Bláithín came into the kitchen and immediately set towards the stove to take up where her mother left off. "He's been like that since..." Her voice faltered but she quickly pulled herself back together. "Since the Unliving came to the school." She busied herself with plates and pans.
There was laughter as Amáraiga was chased in by her big brother. Ruairí caught up with her and soon she was in a heap of giggles being tickled all over. She got away and quickly hid behind her mother. Rua let them dodge around her for just a moment before a jolt almost sent her and Carraig flying.
"Okay, that's enough you two. Ruairí, help your sister with breakfast. Amáraiga, sit down and mind your brother." There was some resistance when she put Carraig down on the bench but when Amáraiga sat beside him and took his hand he settled down. But not without a reproachful look at Rua. She tore herself away from the urge to scoop him back up, checked that the twins had everything under control, and retreated to the bedroom to wake Lugh.
No sooner had she walked in the room but his arms were around her waist. "Good morning."
"It is that. Breakfast is almost ready." Her own arms went up around his neck.
"Do you know how much I missed you?" he asked.
She smiled. "Yes. Yes I do. But everything's going to be fine now. We're all together again."
"The way it's meant to be. The way it's going to stay." There was no hint of question in his voice.
"We're family. That's never going to change. Not when I'm at the Gathering, not when the children go to Gallathrix-"
He stepped back stunned, his arms dropping away from her so fast her balance was precarious for a moment. "What?" His brow was furrowed now in close scrutiny of his wife.
Rua may have regained her balance, but she was suddenly very unsure of where she stood. She picked her way through the words. "Well the Empire are still here. It's good they're home but it's still not safe... I'm sure the Prince Bishop's offer still stands - I can talk to him-"
"What?!" A red flush rose in Lugh's cheeks and there was a tremor in his shoulders. "Rua, this is... what... how can... No! They are not leaving again! Do you understand me? No. They're staying right here, Rua and that's all there is to it."
Rua frantically waved her hands at him watching over her shoulder at the door. "Keep your voice down! They'll hear you! Okay we can talk about this-"
"You're not listening, Rua. There's nothing to talk about. They stay."
"Lugh, it's still not-"
"Nowhere is! Haven't you learned anything? If they're going to be in danger then at least we can be with them!"
Rua looked at him and quickly came to the conclusion she would not talk sense into him today. It was still too soon. Give it time. "Okay Lugh. I wasn't going to do anything until after the Gathering anyway."
It must have missed him the first time. Now his brow creased further in a deep V and he spoke to her quietly but with the threat of explosion nearby. "You're going to the Gathering?"
"Well of course I am." He knew it was coming up, why was he asking that?
Now his face paled. "But last night. You came back to me. You're going to give all that up."
It was her turn to be stunned. "What? No. Last night you accepted me for who I am. And that I can't just give it up anymore than I can you."
They stared at each other for a long moment before a timid knock came on the door.
"Breakfast is ready." Bláithín's voice sounded strained. They said not a word to each other but went through the door where four frightened faces looked up at them.
Rua did her best to smile. "Eat up now. Before it goes cold."
The rest of the morning passed quietly. Occasionally as they put on a brave face in front of the children, her eyes had met with Lugh's and they both knew that any solution they thought they'd found was fleeting. And the problem was suddenly far bigger than they had allowed themselves realise. Then there were the children. Ruairí and Bláithín both seemed a lot older now. Bláithín was suddenly very serious and Ruairí - well she expected him to want to get back to the training school as soon as possible but not to run out on their first morning home. There was something different driving him now. Amáraiga was perhaps a little more giddy than usual but the real worry was Carraig. She hadn't noticed so much yesterday because none of them had wanted to let anyone else out of their sight, or indeed out of their grip, but this morning he hadn't said a single word and would only settle for any length of time when she or Lugh were holding him. She didn't want to leave them but she had to meet with the other ritualists to sort out transport to Lundy. It wouldn't take long. She'd be back with them then.
A knot formed in her stomach, reminding her of where she was before her eyes even noticed. Every time she made the journey between home and her office, the same thing (and perhaps that was part of the reason for her extended absences from Amnor). She'd stop at the laneway and think about it. Sometimes she even went a few steps towards Cosaint's house before something would stop her. She missed him terribly but it seemed to be it was always her going to him - and the last few times he hadn't exactly welcomed her. That was no basis for a friendship. But someone had to move first... she shook her head. If she couldn't even sort things out with her husband what chance did she have with him? And she wanted to get back to the children. She continued on her way.
At her office a message waited. Cían told her it had arrived a couple of days ago. He hadn't got around to sending it to her and when she returned yesterday, well there were more important things. Rua sorted out who would take which groups to Lundy and when as quickly as she could, all the time wondering what it was Eirlys wished to speak to her about - and perhaps feeling just a little guilty that she needed to be summoned to visit.
"Ah, Rua dear. You made it." Eirlys spoke from where she sat up in her bed. She didn't look well. Not well at all.
"I'm sorry I haven't been before now." Rua sat in the chair beside the bed, squeezing out the unbidden pictures of her mother's last days.
"You have other responsibilities now. That's what I wish to speak to you about."
"I do but that's no excuse. I should still have made time."
There was a small smile on Eirlys' face. "I'm sure there are many things you should be making time for. Much of them more important."
Rua squirmed. Her understanding only made the telling off worse.
"However, I do still need a successor."
"I know. I'm sorry I haven't been around - I'll try harder-"
Eirlys held up her hand to stop her. "Rua dear, please do not take this the wrong way, but it is not you."
She felt like she'd been slapped in the face. She sat back stunned.
"You were the best choice when I first asked that you apprentice to me. And you conducted yourself well in those duties you took on. However you have other apprenticeships now and they are better suited to you." Eirlys coughed and accepted the cup of water Rua automatically offered to her. She drank and gave back the cup. "Thank you dear. As I was saying, your duties now lie elsewhere and you would be far harder to replace in those. You concentrate on that. I don't know when but soon the Volksraad will resume. I fear I may not be... available."
"Oh don't say that."
"I'm an old woman who has lived a long life. I have no regrets but I do have a responsibility to leave Armengar with a Lawkeeper. I do not have long to train one."
Rua bit her lip. "Who?"
"I have some people in mind. But I hoped you might have a suggestion."
Rua thought about it a moment under Eirlys' scrutiny. What had she done in her time as Eirlys' apprentice? Learned hundreds of tales and legends. Tried to keep peace at the Volksraad. Memorised laws and traditions. Tried to answer questions on it all. There weren't many people with the patience to do all that. Less still with any interest in it. One name consistently rose to mind. Odd that she'd never thought about it before.
"Actually, I do."
Ruairí sat on the hard wooden bench, his hands clasped together on his lap. He wasn't sure why he'd come back here. He meant it when he said he was going to the training school - he had to go back - had to learn more - had to do more next time and not just shake so hard he couldn't get his sword out. But when he passed close by the temple, he felt like going inside. It was mostly empty. He got a couple of odd looks but when he sat down by himself they left him alone. He half expected Leyina to appear soon as she had that first time - right before the biggest fright of his life. It had competition now. He shuddered, unable to stop his thoughts straying to that night on Holy Isle. What he most certainly was not expecting was his mother to walk through the door. She looked around and when her eyes fell on him - they both froze. It was too late for him to hide, he sat still watching her as she walked towards him, the usual frown on her face.
"How did you find-", he started asking as soon as she was in earshot, but was cut off by her question to him.
"What are you doing here?"
She seemed genuinely surprised- and nowhere near as cross as he would have expected. His eyes widened as the pieces fell into place. "You didn't come her looking for me, did you?"
Rua sat on the bench beside him with sigh. "It would seem we have something in common after all."
"I don't come here all that often! It's just..." he frowned as he tried to figure out what exactly it was.
"It's the one place in this city where you're allowed be exactly who you are."
There was a distance to her as she answered but when Ruairí looked at her he felt her closer to him than he had in such a long time. That was it exactly.
"Da wouldn't be happy. If he knew we were here."
Rua looked at him with a sorry smile. "How long?"
He hung his head with sudden shame. "This is where I hid that day. I was so angry at you and Leyina tried to tell me about Delalaria and how love takes different forms we sometimes don't recognise but I wasn't really listening." His voice grew shallow then and still he could not bring himself to look at her. "Then someone came in. I don't think they saw me coz they just told everyone that the circle was gone and the ritualist was..." he gulped. "...was dead." He looked back up. "I ran all the way to the hospital, I swear I did!"
Rua touched the top of his head before putting an arm around him. "I heard. I'm sorry I was gone by then."
"I was glad he was wrong and you weren't dead. Sometimes I forget but when I come back here I remember. You have to do all these things that make Da mad at you. Coz you want all of us and everyone else in Armengar to be safe. People said Delalaria was crazy a lot too but she was a real good Protector, wasn't she?"
Rua raised an eyebrow, not quite sure how to take the comparison. "She did what she thought she had to. That's more important than what people say about you."
"Aren't you scared?"
"All the time."
Ruairí put his hand in hers. "Me too."
They sat in silence a long moment, watching as more people came into the temple. Some just delivering messages, others finding a seat from which they could watch the flame burn. Finally Ruairí found the courage to ask the question rolling around his mind since breakfast - the question that brought him here. Did it bring her here too?
"Ma? What's going to happen?"
She looked at him tenderly, wanting to lie but knowing she couldn't. "I don't know, Ruairí. I think the ceasefire will hold for a time but not forever. Sooner or later someone will do something stupid-"
"I mean with you and Da." He peered up at her questioningly.
"Oh." She considered it a moment. That one was a lot harder. "I wish I could tell you it's all going to be okay."
His eyes grew large and he squeezed her hand. "Bláithín and me, we talked and we can be good! We won't fight anymore or anything! She said she'll even go back to the training school sometimes - and I'll learn other stuff if it means you don't fight about us anymore!"
There was a sharp intake of breath just before Rua scooped him up into a hug. When she finally released him there were tears in her eyes. "It's not because of you or Bláithín. I promise you that, okay? But things have changed and not everything can stay the way it was. We're not going to stop trying to work it out but I think it's going to get rough before it gets better."
Now the tears were in his eyes. "Why can't you just change things back?"
Her look went as distant as her voice when Rua leaned back on the bench and looked toward the flame. "Because life only goes one direction."
The rest of the day passed in a sort of hesitant peacefulness. Rua left Ruairí at the temple, finally on his way to see when training would start again. He came home several hours later bruised but happy. It became more obvious to her as the day progressed that Bláithín was hiding something. She was quiet and sullen and any attempt to talk to her about it met with over enthusiastic concern for her little brother. Lugh was tired out from playing with Amáraiga whose energy seemed boundless. As for her and Lugh - well they were being very polite with one another. Not a word was said until the children finally went to bed. Even then Rua was almost finished packing what she needed for the next day's journey to Lundy before Lugh came into the bedroom. He closed the door behind him but stood mere inches from it with his arms folded. He couldn't find a word to say until Rua closed her bag and turned around to him.
"So what do we do?" She watched him and the way his eyes fixated on the bag. Finally he broke away from it and looked at her.
"We're not going to fight anymore. This is going to be hard enough for the children. I'll stay her with them until you return from the Gathering. Then I'll return to where I was staying with Daragh. But I'll be here for the children whenever they need me."
She nodded. Didn't seem to be much else she could do. "You really want to do this?"
"I don't want to do this at all." There was a flicker of emotion and his voice strained, but it was quickly pulled back under control.
Rua stepped toward him. "Then don't." She already knew the answer. She'd used it enough times herself.
He smiled sadly and came close enough to touch her cheek. "It's not that simple. I'll be on watch tonight." He stepped back and a hand went to the door. One more look at the bag. "Take care of yourself out there."
The door opened and he was gone.
Index