There was something terribly wrong with the ritual circle. It was horribly overgrown and the walls that marked it were in shambles. But that wasn't it. What was wrong was none of the other kids were playing here today. And it wasn't as big as it should have been. Rua walked around it, bothered only by the emptiness.
"You and the boys used to come here to play all the time. Do you remember?" A man's voice came from behind her. The recognition of it stiffened her to the spot.
"Of course I remember... what are you doing here?" Rua slowly turned around to look at him. There was nothing remarkable about the man. He was well built and muscular like most Armengar men had to be. His light brown hair was cut short and no more than two day's growth clung to his chin. His eyes were the same blue as in her own head. He was looking her up and down, shaking his head like he could hardly believe how she had grown.
"You asked for me."
Rua stepped back when he made a movement towards her. The man stopped and held up two bare hands. "Why do you look so scared? We're standing in your ritual circle."
She shook her head at him. "You're dead. I saw the body."
"And Chareos is dead too."
"I know that!" Rua spat out the words. Why the need to state the obvious? Her mind began to reel. What was this all about anyway, the circle as it was before they re-activated it, the silent citadel. Him. Her voice came out in a growl. "One down, three to go. Is that it, Father?"
His arms folded and that same stern voice she hadn't heard in so long told her, "Stop it."
"Leave me alone." She turned her back on him and Rua willed herself to wake up. It was getting obvious now what was going on here. When his hand fell on her shoulder she jumped. Not being able to will herself awake from a dream – that was new.
Diarmuid turned his daughter to face him. "Has it ever occurred to you Rua, that you know absolutely nothing about what went on that night?"
Rua found herself laughing. She was about to shake him off her, but looking in his eyes... and all thoughts of waking up were forgotten. She pushed herself away, leaving plenty of room between him and her, staying in the centre of the ritual circle. Something began to bubble inside her. "What are you going to tell me? Mactire attacked you first? Maybe you uncovered their entire evil plot – hey maybe they've been working recognisance for Joshrim all this time and Chareos is off now to tell him everything about us!"
Taken aback, Diarmuid blinked. "Where did that all come from?"
She waved her hand at him dismissively. "Go away." Bitterness bit at the edges of her tone.
And then he smiled. Diarmuid sat on one of the low walls and smiled at her with great patience and great pride. "Can't do that, Babóg. I'm the one person that won't."
Rua wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. It was a habit forgotten almost ten years ago. Her eyes narrowed to slits. "I didn't want to talk to you when you were alive, what makes you think I do now?"
His arms folded. The patience remained. "The fact that I'm here. You haven't exactly been yourself today, have you?"
Her words came out like nails on a chalk board. "We have an Unliving army outside our walls, Chareos is dead, and the Lions are too busy with other problems to help. I don't think anyone is quite themselves today."
"Fraoch and Caoimhe did the right thing."
She didn't hesitate. Inside this damaged circle the bile rose and nothing but her anger was there to meet it. "I was back in that fight the second the first Unliving set foot on Amnor! I did not need to be asked and I certainly did not need to be threatened into it! It's an insult to everything we've done for this country that they thing we need to be coerced to fight for our homes! I have given nothing but loyalty to Armengar all my life and now just because I think my time better spent elsewhere – learning other ways to protect Armengar! – they think they can question it! They didn't even question it, Father – they just assumed the only way they could do this was with threats!"
She glared at him when she finished, daring him to argue with her, willing him to provoke her. Instead he remained sitting. "There's something I haven't seen in a while."
His reminiscent smile was infuriating. "What?"
"Your mother's temper. Where has that been hiding?"
"You want to know where it's been hiding? I've had to bite it all back for years. Couldn't give anyone any reason to believe I might turn out like you. I did everything to prove my loyalty, for all the good it did. They still don't trust me and this is all your fault!"
In an instant, Diarmuid was on his feet. "No you don't. Been dead a long time, remember? You're a grown woman, stop acting like a child."
Momentarily startled, Rua could only look at him. "It's an insult to Chareos too. His letter was very clear they weren't to do this."
Rua watched him as he approached her. When his hands landed on her shoulders, she didn't move out of the way. He had to adjust himself to come down to her eye level but he did so easily. "Listen to me, Rua. Chareos is dead. It's not his call anymore. And if Fraoch wants to over react that's his prerogative now. And it's not really them you're angry at."
She peered back at him, trying to figure out what he knew. But the words that finally came were hers. "He shouldn't have died. He should have been more careful."
He touched her face the way he used to and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "You've got to let it go now. Get on with it."
Rua stepped away from him and turned her back. The earlier outburst had left her deflated so it was more of a need for room to think than a desire to escape him. She could almost see them. One hundred and one thoughts flitting around her circle like elements and powers summoned down. Too fast to make sense of any of them.
"I used to wish Chareos could have been my father. Just after you... He always looked out for everyone. Knew us better than we knew ourselves. I thought he'd always be there."
"You're Armengarian. You know that no one ever is."
She sighed and turned around. "I used to think you would be too."
His smile was weak, saddened. "There's plenty of people who are there now, Rua. One in particular if you'll only stop pushing him away."
She frowned and before long her arms were folded tight across her chest. "I wasn't pushing him anywhere, I just had to make it clear that he can't look at me like I'm his wife at the circle. I don't know what I'm going to have to do but I do know there's a lot he's not going to like. He can't do his job if he's worrying about me. And he has to know that it's my word that's final, not his. And he got that message so I was right."
Diarmuid nodded, listening to her reasons, taking it all in. "I did the same with your mother after the boys died. Had a lot of really good excuses too."
"My marriage is none of your business." She frowned. "In fact nothing of my life is. You gave up that right a long time ago when you left us."
His look was grim. He went back to the wall and sat. He waited a minute, looked all directions out the circle, then looked across at her. "And yet you and I are still here."
Rua closed her eyes and rubbed her head. After a long moment her eyes met his. "Why?"
Silence fell like a shroud over them until very slowly and very quietly, Diarmuid spoke to her in a tone so gentle... he could have been singing it to her on a night when she pretended she couldn't sleep. "You've been to that place, Rua. Where the despair is so black and so deep it doesn't make any sense to try climb out of it. I made a mistake. A big one – but it was my mistake." He stood up and came back to her. He didn't touch her but stood proud before her. "You've got to stop trying to pay for it. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've got too much work to do to keep living like this. You're so close. Don't let this turn you back around. It's not who you are." He shook his head. "It never was."
Sounds were returning. Soldiers stomping, people running. Knocking. The smell of burning wax and burning oil. Diarmuid's hand was warm when it touched her face. And just like before, almost half her face could fit in his large palm. "Time for a muster of the heart, Babóg. Tell them all out there who you are."
The door opened, startling Rua awake. Disoriented for a moment, she tidied away the papers she had been working on with no attention to what she was putting away or where she was putting it. Then she remembered what had woken her and looked to where the High Priest of Heramacles patiently waited.
"Fionnuala."
Fionnuala hid her surprise at catching the High Ritualist asleep well. "I hope this is a good time, if not..."
Rua waved her inside. "As good a time as any Fionnuala. Come on in."
In the time it took for Fionnuala to nod, close the door behind her, and take a seat, Rua managed to bring herself back to her senses. She had little idea how long she'd been asleep but something inside her was starting to feel better. An outgoing message was on her desk waiting to be signed and sent on its way. She picked up her quill and signed her name. Then, with a smile, she turned back to her visitor.